Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
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I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
The Murphy bed mishap was as hilarious as it was fatal.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
How are you?
“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person
“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off
me: dating is hard
me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
So we got a goldfish…
