Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
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Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
this is so top tier i cant
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
79.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.