Bouncer: Woah. Dress code
Me: This is a suit
B: Yeah, a chicken suit.
*puts nugget in bouncer’s pocket
M: We good?
B: Have fun, sir
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
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Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Me: Thanks for agreeing to do this session via Skype
Therapist: Right, are you in a safe place?
Me: *from inside my blanket fort* Yes, very
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels