Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling

#mondaymirth

I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.

After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.

Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?

Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.

I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.

Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.

If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…

instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave

me: oui chef

This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her

me: *knocking* hello is anyone home

mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock

me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood

Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.

Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”

Me: No.

what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti

I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.

Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.

Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.

If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR

you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?

My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.

New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.

Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved

It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo

waiter: did you enjoy your meal

me: honestly not really

waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever

Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours

Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies

my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”

Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.

Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.

When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about

I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!

I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”

I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”

Can’t shop there again.