Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
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Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
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Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
dutch is not a serious language
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Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
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my name if I was in the mob
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Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you