Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
You Might Also Like
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
[gym]
Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.
Me: oh
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”