Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.

no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping

ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand

DATE: ??

ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor

Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice

In the theater

Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?

Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.

friend: the bathroom is upstairs

me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*

My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.

i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it

WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again

ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?

Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.

*pulls out 50 inch TV*

What? It’s really a phone.

She was rare, like a goth carolling.

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held

I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.

Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.

POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case

ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn

CHIEF: …

ME: looks cool doesn’t-

CHIEF: totally looks cool

yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.

“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring

Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.

Me:

Mime:

Me: You don’t say!

Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.

Jesus: I can turn water into wine.

Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]

waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not

People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.

my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on

she really is living her best life

Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.