Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.

Bad news: I’m not wearing them.

#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe

Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file

US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what

[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza

Them: The meek shall inherit the earth

the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good

A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.

The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.

#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris

I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.

Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.

I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.

ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences

WARDEN: no

“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”

Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.

Me: Here, does this help?

*turns and walks away*

I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.

Don’t forget to tip your server

Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.

I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.

This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.

She’s…..

Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis

Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars

hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!

BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.

Everyone turns around and stairs at me.

I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.

I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends

Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.

Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?

BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.

Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.

last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great

Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….