Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.

I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake

wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home

Me and my siblings:

I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.

him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery

me: gotcha

[later]

me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*

Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar

Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird

i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.

If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”

See how stupid that sounds?

cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*

“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.

Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.

Me: guess who I bumped into at the store

My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone

My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?

Me: I don’t think it’s an act.

coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december

me: stop living in the past

[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]

Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.

My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky

My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.

Jesus: Time for a miracle!

Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch

Jesus:

Puritan:

Jesus: who likes fish

texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points

me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?

techician: sure..I’ll take a look

[later, ]

technician: it’s not too bad..

me: thank god..what is it?

technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders

me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?

Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.

If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.

If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.

Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.

My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.

Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.

Have put a film on instead.

I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.

I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!