me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
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(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
rip to my favourite tweet
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.