Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
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SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
…u ok Nintendo?
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish