Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.

Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie

Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?

[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha

Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.

ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*

MOM: *shouting* use your words!

MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!

Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep

*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*

HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!

Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff

HECKLER: boooo

Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?

when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak

I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)

Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease

We’re currently showing our home & still living there.

My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”

I preheated the oven to make dinner.

We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.

I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion

[ark]

SHEM:It’s full

NOAH:Full?

SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space

NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen

at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.

My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat

So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?

Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along

oh ffs josh did you not read the email

I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.

“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.

*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH

BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”

My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple

My fingers: so we did a thing

[watching TV on couch]

Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.

Her: …

Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?

Her: …

Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?

Pile of blankets: …

Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?

Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped

Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then

[dinner party at spooky castle]

host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..

guests: *gasp*

host: ..without a HUG!

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.

… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?