Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”

WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?

Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.

Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?

Yeah, good times

I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”

Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:

A thread.

“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”

The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.

Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?

Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.

Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.

My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u

A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?

I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round

While on a family road trip

My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?

Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking

My Kid: How about at the next stop light?

Me: sure…

Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.

Alien: Take me to your leader.

Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…

I’m just a girl

standing in front of a pizza

asking it to not have carbs.

H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?

M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.

Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.

Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.

“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”

*sandwiches

#SuperBowl

Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.

After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18

imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night

so u have kids?

yes a bunch of them

that’s great, any hobbies?

I don’t understand the question