Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
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Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.