Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.

Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.

I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.

“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows

Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.

-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September

A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.

Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.

Me: *considering sleeping in*

My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.

My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.

3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”

So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?

If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.

#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings

A groundhog taking the wheel

“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store

hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him

1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.

The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.

The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.

Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?

Me: Yes, I love potato salad.

Nutritionist: no

When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.

If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.

My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.

Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG

-me watching a toddler put shoes on

First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?

14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.

Fruity

What do we want?

A CURE FOR PARANOIA

When do we want it?

WHO WANTS TO KNOW

“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library

At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.

Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.

*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no