Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.

First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.

Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?

BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light

Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns

On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.

At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.

Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.

*walks out of pharmacy*

Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.

It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.

Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description

Me: Why do you say that

The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.

My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.

My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada

My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.

I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer

I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.

Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*

I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie

7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?

Me: Dad.

7: Then how come you look older?

Me: Santa’s not real.

[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.

Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.

stop

“I bought a new car!”

Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?

“Only $3,200”

Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit

“Damn….not again”

Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.

Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.

Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!

*pulls up at the vet’s*

Dog: hey, wait a minute…

cat: i brought you this dead mouse

me: no thanks

cat: then please accept this barf

me: i will not

cat: am i displeasing you?

me: absolutely

cat: [eyes narrow] good

me irl