me: *ordering an orange juice*
8yo: does it have pulp?
me: I’m not sure
8yo: *heavy sigh* guess I’ll find out the hard way
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The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
british sex workers really pound for pound
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
murder on the timeline
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.