Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW

INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what

[inventing that little handle inside the car]

engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?

My Alexa can now understand my toddler.

Pray for me.

my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship

*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!

Thank you, they came with the frame.

My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.

You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.

I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.

-inventor of powerwalking

Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?

The baby cheese crust.

There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.

eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.

A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.

*reaches for the stars*

Stars: I have a boyfriend

I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train

“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.

Me: That’s the murder house on the street.

Friend: That’s your house.

Me: Yea

I have chosen my priorities!

#studies #exams

I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.

12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-

me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?

[being rescued from a deserted island]

me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks

them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise

[brain surgery]

SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork

ASSISTANT:

SURGEON: …over that scalpel

I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”

The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.

Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason

Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?

Me: I LOVE STAR WARS

BF: which was your fav

Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone

interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words

me: mathematically challenged

You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”

1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.

*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*

“Ooh, that IS risky.”