Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.

THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.

I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.

[Subway]

ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*

Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night

(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.

I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.

Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.

In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.

do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival

HULK WANT LOAN

Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.

GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*

Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.

5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.

7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.

[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball

I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”

The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.

Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..

My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”

Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.

Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.

Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.

Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.

They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”

Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be

I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”

BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”

Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.

I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.

I kinda want to date him now.

When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants

You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside

My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.

6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*

Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?

6: My boyfriend.

Me: Give it back.