*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
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If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision