ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
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For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
i choose….tongue
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.