Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?

Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?

McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again

if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40

Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.

If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster

“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife

GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”

Jail

chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing

See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….

I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.

Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.

My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house

Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.

I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.

The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎

Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler

*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?

LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer

Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.

[applying for a home loan]

Lender: how much is your car payment

Me: uhh

Lender: what’s your salary before taxes

Me: umm

Lender: do you know anything

Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder

And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.

WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys

My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”

The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.

A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.

“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”

“Uhhh….why?”

“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”

“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”

LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings

ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people

Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.