ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
You Might Also Like
my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
“no gods no masters” = leo
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.