ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
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Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.