me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
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You wish you had this many chins.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!
[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.