Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.

Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.

OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won

Hey i am sexy to you now

[working at prison coffee shop]

I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business

Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?

I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.

Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…

Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea

Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.

the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener

Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision

Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶

Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁

All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.

His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.

shakira sharkira

I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”

My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”

[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.

My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.

another case of gang violins

I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly

Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?

Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way

[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!

Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.

🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!

– Bon Schröedi

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.