Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is

got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price

If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.

I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.

Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.

NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED

I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.

Same kid, same.

Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-

“Honey, you’re wrong.”

Brain: I give up.

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn

SEVEN DEADLY SINS

Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting

I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.

She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.

The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.

LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away

“Dress for the job you want!”

*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*

I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave

There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.

Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.

Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.

just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real

There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot

Me: I have shark like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”

Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*

that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.

Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.

You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe

Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.

If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.

Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.