me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
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Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
making my dog give me my pills
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Grow up never but we old may grow we
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….