Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.

I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?

im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes

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My patience has stretch marks.

Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.

“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.

I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.

Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?

Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low

Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”

9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?

Me: To show God we have our act together.

9: But he knows we’re lying.

I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes

Legos on the floor by her side of the bed

Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.

This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much

When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.

They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point

What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?

What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems

What I hear: better have the whole bottle then

-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?

“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple

I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped

I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room

Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.

When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?

These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.

Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough

Me, day twenty of law school:

Your diligence, the prosecution rests.

Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.

Me: Shit! Can I go again?

happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths