Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.

Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..

Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?

Me: Still no signs…

Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni

christening a ship with an overripe banana

Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”

Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.

constantly working on myself.

Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.

Worth the read.

Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.

I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.

Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?

I lost him to addiction.

Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?

Yes please.

got my wisdom teeth removed.

surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else

My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.

I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”

the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person

People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.

I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.

ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*

“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”

-Oh really? Why?

“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”

My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.

The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.

*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”

“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”

*pokes body with stick*

*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*

*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*

I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.