me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
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Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Don’t talk down to me
The best shot in the history of golf
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here