me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
