me: our first night as man and wife

bride: you know what that means 😉

me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this

bride: what

me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel

spouse: why

me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage

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Every time I think I’ve got the perfect family they escape.


Me: one mcflurry please

Cashier: the machine is down

Me: awe then one for the machine too


Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man


Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-

God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.

Worm: I mean that’s fair.

[Centipede crawls by]


God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.


Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.

Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.


When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.


I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.

I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.


I hate when I get branded “Meanest Mom” so early in the morning.

It gives me nothing to shoot for the rest of the day.


Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left

Me: oh no

Doctor: my next appointment is here

Me: ohhh jesus I thought

Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will