Every time I think I’ve got the perfect family they escape.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
You Might Also Like
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
“Yous ain’t passin’!” – Gandolfini
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
I hate when I get branded “Meanest Mom” so early in the morning.
It gives me nothing to shoot for the rest of the day.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will