Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter

I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”

The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”

Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.

Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.

Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.

Corona : Got it.

Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.

*2 minutes later*

Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.

2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe

Them: How long can you hold your breath?

Me: 20 years, apparently.

PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends

The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.

You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.

Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.

A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.

Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.

Note to self:

Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”

“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}

Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?

“No try again”
{Murder sounds}

Ring Around the Rosie?

“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}

(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?

“Yes!”

(I begin to cry)

The doctor asked if I was sexual active.

I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.

one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more

Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.

Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.

Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.

“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”

-yelp review

Taliband

13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!

ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*

13YO: wut?

Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”

My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.

[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”

[hiking]

ME: I’m so tired

MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face

If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”

Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.