Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
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Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
YouTube will put 50 mins of ads on a 10 min video to get me to pay but I shan’t be defeated
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance