Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
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[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives