Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas

You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?

I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact

He living his best life

Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.

Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.

I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what

She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats

Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.

The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots

Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.

Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.

People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019

Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000

Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.

Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.

Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.

Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.

law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class

me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now

Person: How are you going to get over this curb?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around”.

[giving a eulogy for my doctor]

ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples

Sunday

I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..

On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers

If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.

Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?

Me: party?

Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat