Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
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Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Twitter is fun because you can tweet about hashbrowns and someone will say you are responsible for genocide.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Me (who lives alone): ok who ate all the almond butter
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Mine in this week’s New Yorker
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times