Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you

⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.

🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:

them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT

me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t

I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.

Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…

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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.

My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives

“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.

My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time

[family therapy]

JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference

DOC: Why do you do that?

ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond

2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah

Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.

For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.

I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics

[first date]

HER: I’m a really big cat person

ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat

them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz

Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.

The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”

If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.

Doctor: You’re sick

Me: Yeah?

Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough

Me: Awww

How much for the goth pool noodles?

All generalizations are stupid.

As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.

Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.

Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.

Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned

My kids:

Oh no Moo Deng noo!!

[in living room]

Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it

The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.

1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.

My time has come.