Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN

Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR

I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns

Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.

I could not be more annoyed

*checks Twitter*

Ok, I’m more annoyed

My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.

Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that

Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk

I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!

All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…

My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]

money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas

Her: Why is that expression on your face?

Me: I’m trying to remember your name.

Her: It’s Kelly.

Me: No that’s not it.

*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password

Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.

WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd

ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them

Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.

Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.

Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.

A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.

MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too

the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing

When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.

Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.

Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.

Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….

knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health

One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.

Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.

does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.