Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.

My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.

90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms

I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:

– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from

if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.

Confidence is important.

Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.

WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS

Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die

Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.

The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.

Cunts love it when you call them that.

Father’s Day Fun:

1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.

Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?

Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.

Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17

There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.

Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.

Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.

The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.

[explaining fingernails to an alien]

ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.

ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.

Them: You should try keto
Me:

Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.

optimus prime: did she just wink at me?

me: i think she’s turning left

It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18

And that’s just for the alcohol

I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”

Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around

Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*

Me: THAT’S IT

If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left

I’m no good at the pole vault either.

*me flirting

Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me

Interviewer: a job-related weakness…

My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.

The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,

I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.

Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.