Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?

you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks

Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge

Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?

Kid: What’s a phone book?

Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting

I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.

*does the robot*

*crowd goes wild*

*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*

I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!

That 👊

I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.

I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase

The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.

Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses

Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.

I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.

“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head

She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*

Adulthood is about finding three things:

1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down

Me: I lost 13 pounds.

Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!

the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck

My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.

me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like

My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help

me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something

[at the ballet]

“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”

Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.

50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.

5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.

I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.

Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.