Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
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[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi
No you didn’t, 9 year old lol
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.