Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my brain: i hate that person

that person: hey that thing you wrote was great

my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities

NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??

We’re having leftover pizza.

one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague

We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”

[First Date. Full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

Her: I like dogs

Me: *dies in 10-13 years*

[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?

I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.

I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”

My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them

OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl

My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.

After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.

Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*

Bouncer: you still can’t go in

Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.

If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.

insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time

Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire

Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?

All of retail: No.

The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.

Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.

Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?

It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.

Even if it is no one’s birthday.

They don’t even check.

Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?

7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.

Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.

Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.

Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens

It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…

I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her

I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.

I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy

*calls 911*

Hey, I found some big guns.

*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*