Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you have mixed feelings about bathtime

Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.

As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack

[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think

I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.

Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.

when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog

[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]

[first date]

Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.

Me: What happened to your eyebrows?

Her: Not like that.

(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow

Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”

The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.

ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*

Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?

Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life

Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets

– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?

-No.

– Do you want some?

“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.

People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.

me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans

*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.

Psychiatrist: You seem much better!

Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.

“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.

The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.

Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.

can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.

Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right

*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*

*celebrates the thought with a pizza*

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)

Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.