Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
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I had to cancel my summer concert tour due to lack of ticket sales too so I know how Jennifer Lopez is feeling right now
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.
A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
My work here is don’t.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck