Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit

Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.

[enters elevator]

Me: *audible toot*

Them:

Me: I am not here to make friends.

Bob the Builder: can we fix it?

Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.

The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.

My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal

What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”

The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.

sry

Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.

Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.

The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together

Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.

Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?

Me: Yeah, so?

Him: There’s one small piece left.

Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.

You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.

This is painfully accurate 😅

I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.

Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.

the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title

6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?

Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.

6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.

In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.

If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks

Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.

Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.

Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.

ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*

My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.

[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready

This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”