007 is fired, becomes a scientist. He opens meetings with, “The name’s Bond, Hydrogen Bond.” Everyone laughs. He cries in the supply closet.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
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Me: What was that?
Parenting is easier than it looks.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Therapist: What’s the most meaningful connection you’ve made in your life?
Me: You mean…other than wifi?
“Butter me up like one of your French Toast girls”
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there