me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
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The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
He took my last fry, your honor
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
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