Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices

I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”

been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊

“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire

Pretty much. 🤣

When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.

my computer: consider changing your password

me: consider fighting me in the streets

“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”

[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”

When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”

Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?

hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer

*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*

[watching The Notebook]

Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year

Me: I bet each one just said, Hey

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met

her:

me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape

I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much)

If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.

I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.

I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.

An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.

Me as a detective:

[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]

[evidence catches on fire]

no no no no

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda

“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life

My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.

[in hell]

ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad

SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—

ME: ugh

SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows

ME: UGH

Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.

Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.

Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.

Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.

It’s happened

I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room

Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻‍♀️

I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.