Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*
Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”
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I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
This checks out
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7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
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We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.