Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*
Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”
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I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
A great tip. #CakeRex
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
My body: please we are begging you to eat a vegetable or drink a single glass of water
me looking at the christmas cookie tray:
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
A banana just sold at an art auction for $6.2 million, so if our custodian still hasn’t thrown out that orange someone left in one of our study rooms last week, we may never have to do a capital campaign again.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Karate and loose meat sandwiches.
Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.
All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing