Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*
Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”
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[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
kevin is now a local weatherman
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Message from the dog groomers
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂
me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.
host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.