Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once

We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.

the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one

Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry

My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s

accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times

Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.

Webb. James Webb.

What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!

– a parenting memoir

Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours

The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo

Her: what?

Me: no his hearing is fine

“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”

“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭

I know this now 😂

Am I capable of premeditated murder?

Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.

[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”

Actually I am.

“WHAT”

APRIL FOOLS!

“Whew”

I’m technically a serial killer.

Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.

they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.

Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.

i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.

Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?

Yes.

I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?

ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?

My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)

Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond

Wife: You used a coupon right?

Me: Coupon?

*wife faints*

Me: How dilated is she?

Nurse: 4 centimeters.

Me: This is America.

Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.

I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros

I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.

*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.