Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.

[getting my license]

Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes

Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*

Relationship status:

My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.

I believe the children are our future.

But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.

Logged into Facebook.

‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’

Logged out of Facebook.

It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming

*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.

I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?

netflix: are you still watching

me: no

netflix: then can i watch what i want now

Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!

You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…

[at DMV]

Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first

Guy in line: that’s not a thing!

Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu

Guy: wha-

Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*

Clerk: cup or cone

Me: cone pls 🙂

Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie

Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.

Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?

Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill

we must combat the global scourge of underage baking

CEO: what’s the store layout

me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions

CEO: ok

me: cigarettes will be right up front

CEO: first of all I love it

Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island

NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored

Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.

My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.

American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.

I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.

Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?

[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.

I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.

“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.

In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.

I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.

Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.