[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
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Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs