[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
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I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Bear knowledge
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
nature’s most graceful animal
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.
10: When there were dinosaurs?
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
