Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Word of the Day: No

Please use it in a sentence: No.

“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning

I just need a shovel and a good alibi.

“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”

“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.

*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*

FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.

ME: There’s been quarantines?

hung out w/ my grandad who has dementia today. He came into the kitchen looking distraught while I was making tea & said “have you seen whats happening in America? It’s awful!”. assumed he’d read some election news but turned out he’d been watching Ghostbusters in the living room

Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.

Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.

me at a party:

*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*

It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.

Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.

The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo

[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.

Friend: Are you on social media?

Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.

Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket

Cop: is that an olive in there?

Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.

What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.

Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.

I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.

Five Secrets of Successful People:

1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets

The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.

I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.

It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me

Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch

Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me

Yeah I do yoga.

Ninja Yoga.

I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.