Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]

Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?

whenever i wake up before my alarm

Not wearing deodorant because I put lotion on my hands and couldn’t get the cap off

This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.

The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.

Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.

[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see

Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.

My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.

“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*

[first day as a 911 operator]

guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!

me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh

Me: How was school?

11-year-old: It was a normal day.

Me: So it was good?

11: I didn’t say that at all.

I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.

Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.

me: I was mugged by a snake

cop: was he armed?

me: *long pause* no

my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids

What Bob, you’re interrupting.

[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]

*professional stuntman do not attempt*

Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.

I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”

…

it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman

people who sit in a long line and aren’t ready when it’s their turn, should be sent to the back of the line to think about what they’ve done.

[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”

me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*

her: I said it’s *petrified* wood

me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me

For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Wife: Let me do the talking

Cop: No, I’ll do the talking

Me: Why is your wife even with you

Cop: There you go, I said this would happen

it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift

Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.