Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dad: what should we name him

mom: something beautiful

dad: something unique

mom: any ideas

dad: matt

mom: ok

Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.

[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*

*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?

Corn Dogs: Uninserted

I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69

dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White clothes: lol same.

@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3

Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.

Me when I see someone that knows me in public..

All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘

Husband: you should get out of the house more

Me: *goes shopping*

Husband: not like that

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.

i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system

I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching

[job interview]

What are your strengths?

Me: inventing special occasions.

Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*

richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn

handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening

me: *nodding* ghosts

handyman: …this screw is loose

me: ah.

handyman:

me:

handyman:

me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?

I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?

I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.

After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.

No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.

From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.

I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…