Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*

Husband: Are you ok?

Me: Yes.

*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke

Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?

*Belle falls in love with Beast*

Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!

*Belle speaks to furniture*

Everyone: this is fine

The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding

Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: then can I give some feedback?

me: I told you no

Let’s ride.

So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.

Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?

Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month

How did you get this number..?

– me to my whole family..

When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.

*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*

Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice

I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.

[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice

A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.

#notsorry

WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers

ME:

WIFE:

ME:

WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers

the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts

Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.

[bank]

me: this is a stick up!

bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around

me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed

bank teller: lol first time?

me: is it that obvious?

bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie

Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.

Me: You come highly recommended, LOL

Drug dealer: *stabs me*

Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.

bad news gang

hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard

Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.

just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears

I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?

Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.

Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?