Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
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If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
