Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
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Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
What do you call a zombie who stir fries?
Dead man wokking
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
rapatouille
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.