Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
You Might Also Like
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
I can fix him.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend