Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
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wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?
“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.
my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house
me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems