Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
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Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
he looks great for his age
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.