Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.

“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”

Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.

To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.

I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use

According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/

Start the year as you intend to continue.

Painting safety tip :

When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.

me: hi do you take walk-ins

the morgue: what

Know why I pulled you over?

“No sir”

1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha

You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?

DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?

Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’

[first day as a pilot]

This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.

Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.

Did you know Yoda has a last name?

It’s Layheehoo…

Me: When do you install the lasers?

Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…

Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?

{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving

CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.

Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?

Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now

Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.

Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!

Me: Oh, that is so sweet-

K: *pull out paint*

Me: You really don’t-

K: *pull out glue*

Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-

K: *pull out glitter*

Me: Christmas is cancelled.

The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.

Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.

Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.

[wife frantically searching the house]

Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere

[me napping on couch]

OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS

Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you’re like, standing?

Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.

Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.