Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne

Detective : Where were you on the night in question?

Me: Wut?

Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.

Her: Oh, he’s not playing.

You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.

hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to

For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar

*waiter pouring wine*

Say when sir

*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*

I could not be more annoyed

*checks Twitter*

Ok, I’m more annoyed

[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?

Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.

Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.

Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity

If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!

I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok

Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*

Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.

wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse

doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-

*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea

Magician: *waves hand* done

om: *holding cup* it didn’t work

I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.

kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween

dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work

kid: i didn’t-

dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch

I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity

My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”

Me: “OK.”

*takes a nap*

*reads four books*

*builds a pyramid*

I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car

imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner

[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]

Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.

Girl- You mean a condom?

Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.

He a real one for that

Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.

Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.