@brynnester

Me: *panic buying*

[Later At Home]

Wife: 20 can openers? Wtf?

Me: I panicked

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@lmegordon

A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.

@fro_vo

[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager

@MaryJustice86

Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.

@yoopnative

I’m broke but not “vacuums the air filter* instead of replacing it” broke.

*more than twice.

@trojansauce

[titanic]

SAILER: but captain there’s an ice berg right ahead

CAPTAIN WHO LOOKS SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE A SHARK: i said straight ahead

@jessokfine

I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.

@UnFitz

No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.