@brynnester

Me: *panic buying*

[Later At Home]

Wife: 20 can openers? Wtf?

Me: I panicked

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@xLiserx

1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.

@Shen_the_Bird

date: i’m very level-headed

me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too

@murrman5

[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”

@shkeeber

I would never take candy from a stranger, but I’d probably follow a trail of bacon straight into the back of a windowless white van.

@MrJeberling

Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes

@pittdave13

First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?

@WilliamAder

Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?

@SaveItForFest

You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.

@TweetPotato314

People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.