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I want what they have
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Not to brag but I run faster than the speed of light.
My tortoise’s name is Speed of Light.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.