Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
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You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
The dog seemed okay with living in a Jewish household until we scheduled his circumcision
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
My humor is broken
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
man i love columbo
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
No.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.