Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.

I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.

Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁

Losing 😲

Coffee helps me remember….

Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean words

I never said it was easy.

Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles

Husband: Can you ever be serious?

Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.

I come from a time of excessive Durans.

I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness

Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family

tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards

me: but that means change or rebirth, right?

tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no

MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo

Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?

Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all

[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready

[cloud watching]

GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.

ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.

Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza

To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”

CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.

nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor

Dune (2021)

Drive as I say, not as I drive.

I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.

My support group can outdrink your support group.

Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”

When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.

Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-

me: I’m cold this is boring

I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.

A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.

I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.

So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.