Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
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mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
This is my emotional support knife.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
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This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Just parrot things
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you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
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Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.