Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.

Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.

I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.

Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult

“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”

I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.

i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end

You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened

“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.

All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.

While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.

[waking up from a nightmare]

Him: Was it the one about zombies again?

Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes

If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.

My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.

Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”

I think about that a lot

Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look

[eating paste]

Here’s what I think…

Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”

i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either

If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold

The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars

My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank

I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.

me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!

soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”

me: what, like table salt?

soldier: ? why do you call it that

me:

soldier: Why do you call it that.

One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby

I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.

The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.

*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*