Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
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People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Breaking news:
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.