Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆

I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.

jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”

“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.

You, idiot: Bill Gates

Me, a genius: Invoice Doors

We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.

A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”

It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.

Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?

I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.

I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn

[two years ago]

me: planet with the rings?

google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia

[now]

me: does italy exist

google: nope.

Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*

☺️

Always…

My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂

someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting

boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?

me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve

Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.

Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.

Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games

Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.

“As per my email…”

Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.

*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST

me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare

principal: where’s your pants?

Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.

No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.

at ease…shoulder.

My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me

Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.