Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
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i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!